Thursday, August 13, 2009

crazy

Its crazy how fast things can change in life. I still am in shock that we are moving and changing our lives so much! I am sure that it wont really set in until we pack up our u haul and get out there, but still right now I am seeing how crazy things are becoming, and how crazy i am feeling about everything. With a baby due in less then 7 weeks my mind is racing! Its a crazy time to try and switch doctors, hospitals, insurance, leave your family who you look to for support. And not to mention try to pack up and move and set up a new place to live.

I worry about a lot, moving is expensive! Derek's job is helping out with some but there are lots of deposits to pay and lots of gas to be used to get there. I worry and i should not worry so much, but yet i do and I always will.

I am getting things done slowly, i am getting utilities turned off and new ones turned on I am going through all of our stuff and trying to get rid of things we do not really need. I am slowly packing up boxes and slowly getting things taken off our walls. I am trying but to be honest, i want to just rest. I want to be able to come home from work and not have to worry about everything, i want to close my eyes and have it all done. I want to know that everything is going to be okay, i want to know that I will be okay without the closeness of my family when Abby is born, i want to know i will be able to unpack my apartment before she is born so i am not living in a unpacked place because that will drive me nuts!

I am glad we have the apartment. That has helped me knock things off my to do list. Its getting shorter, slowly its getting there. Most things left on there are big things that wont be done until the end, but still they are there. I hate to complain its really not me, but yet I need to today. I need a chance to express that right now I just want to scream! I don't want to devote all the energy that is required to accomplish everything, i am 34 weeks pregnant for gosh sakes i want to have some down time, but with working full time and moving i guess it will not be in my future for well a VERY VERY long time.

I really hate taking Jackie away from her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins! I think that is what is hardest on me. We went to my dads last night and it broke my heart to think she wont be able to just come up here when ever we want. She really adores my dad and he adores her so much! I hate to think Abby will miss our on that special relationship because there will not be as much interaction. I know most people live far from their families, so for them its normal. I have been lucky, I have had them close and I love it! I am not excited to be apart from them, but yet i know we are supposed to go. I know that this is the right job for Derek, but still it does not make it any easier. Its the only way that I will be able to stay home with both of my girls, and i want that, i yearn for that. I hate that I have worked full time most all of Jackie's life. I hate how much I have missed out on, but yet i had to do it to get Derek through school. He is done now and can take that on. If we stay here it wont happen. He would have to find a full time job, and well I have a great one that pays well, I know I would end up back here. If we go there he has a full time job, and would only need a part time job to make things work, its a better option.

There is still much to do much that has to happen so much that we have to accomplish in order to make things work, so much to do, and yet all I want to do is sleep and rest and enjoy the last few weeks I have with Jackie as my only child. I know we were supposed to get pregnant when we did, I am just not a fan of the timing of everything else. I know the Lord has a plan for us though, that its what he wants us to go through and he will make sure we are taken care of and everything will work out just fine....so my question is why do I still worry, why do I still get so scared. Its time to tell Satan that he is not allowed to give me this fear, and let the Lord give me the peace and comfort I need.

5 comments:

Caitlin said...

I hope you can find a doctor that is VBAC friendly and as awesome as your one in Pleasant Grove!

C, J, and T said...

Jess,
Okay, things are going to work out great! While the next few weeks will be stressful and busy I think in the end you will be so happy with the decisions you guys have made and I KNOW you will be blessed for making the choices to take care of your family! I will be praying for you!

cherigarner said...

You, Jessica Carol Hall Stell, are the strongest person I know! You can do this.
Love and hugs, Mom

Stephanie said...

Wow, I was just catching up on all you're happenings. I can't believe how fast your lives are changing! Good luck with the move. I'm sure it's going to be really hard for a little while, but great in the long run.

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